As already discussed, I think of the soul as that part of me that is most fully me. That means it is not the me I wish I were, or the me I try to be, or the me I might sometimes pretend to be, or the me I think my spouse or parents or boss want me to be. It’s not even the me I think I should be, or the me I think God wants me to be. My soul is who I actually, fully am.
One of the best books I know about discovering and reclaiming our true identity is the me I want to be, by John Ortberg. Ortberg discusses pretending at length: “Pretending to be someone we’re not is hard work, which is why we feel tired after a first date or a job interview or among others we feel we have to project an image for. We are drawn to transparency and long to go where we can just ‘be ourselves’. It is a relief to not have to pretend to pray more than we really do, or know more about the Bible than we really know, or act more humble than we really are. Inside us is a person without pretense or guile. We never have to pretend with God, and genuine brokenness pleases God more than pretend spirituality. If I am ever going to become the me I want to be, I have to start by being honest about the me I am.”
We can never experience soul-centeredness if we aren’t honest - honest with God, with others, and with ourselves. Our pretending and masquerading, our pretense, gets in the way of us living from the depths of our soul. It muddies our inner waters to the point that it’s not all that uncommon for us to lose sight of ourselves. We grow so accustomed to trying to be or pretending to be someone or something we aren’t that we eventually don’t actually know ourselves - at least not as deeply as we would like. To live the “life more abundant” that Jesus came teaching about, we need to live from that deeper identity, from the heart of our souls.
Ortberg also writes: “I began to realize that what I really want isn’t any particular outcome on any particular project. Those are all just means to an end. What I really want is to be fully alive inside. What I really want is the inner freedom to live in love and joy… When I was going to school, I was preoccupied with good grades or getting cute girls to like me. As the years went by, I became preoccupied with work and my circumstances because I thought they would make me feel alive… But life is not about any particular achievement or experience. The most important task of your life is not what you do, but who you become. There is a me I want to be.”
Daily prayer: Lord, I want to be fully alive. Help me… become more fully me.